Ephesians 5:1 says, "Submitting to one another in the fear of God."
1 Peter 5:5, "Likewise, you who are younger, be SUBJECT to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Titus 3:1, "Remind them to be SUBMISSIVE to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work."
Hebrews 13:17, "Obey your leaders and SUBMIT to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you."
Submission tends to be a word many might cringe at hearing. I admit, I use to not be a fan of this word because I truly didn't understand it. It has this connotation of being a doormat, slave, less than, subservient, inferior, or unequal. But this is a perverted version of submission. If submission is demanded or forced it is no longer submission, but rather, it becomes oppression, intimidation, coercion, and objectification.
As seen from the above verses, submission is something every Christian, whether male or female, is called to put into practice daily. It is admirable, as well as a sign of strength not weakness. It's a voluntary choice made to yield your will to another for a greater good.
A few everyday examples of how we all practice submission, or yielding, is stopping at a red light or waiting our turn in line at the grocery store. Even when it might be more convenient for me to zip through a red light or cut in line.... I choose to yield my will to another for a greater good. Otherwise, chaos or harm can result.
There is one particular verse on submission that is often emphasized and used in a spiritually harmful manner by an abusive husband. Additionally, and unfortunately, it's often a verse pastors give to a woman seeking help for her marriage. I've worked with women who have had multiple pastors over the course of their marriage tell them they just need to submit more.
Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."
As Chris Moles says, "Men, stop reading your wives mail!" Meaning, the passage does not instruct men to make, demand, or force their wives to submit. Instead, Ephesians 5 admonishes wives to subject themselves as unto Christ.
Martha Peace states, "Submission does not position a wife to be abused by her husband. Instead, it positions a wife to obey God and show love to her husband." She volunteers submission, for the greater good, out of a place of knowing she is safe and secure in the relationship to do so.
The passage in Ephesians 5 continues on to share verses directed at the husband and gospel headship, which points to Jesus. He doesn’t crush us under his power but lifts us up.
Notice, these 3 verses about a wife’s calling to submit is sandwiched in between a call to all to submit one to another and then 9 verses directed at the husband.
It says:
"Husbands, LOVE your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to LOVE their own wives as their own bodies; he who LOVES his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so LOVE his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Further verses:
Colossians 3:19, "Husbands, LOVE your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
1 Peter 3:7, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving HONOR to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering."
Ephesians 4:1-3, "Therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
I think you get the point. the headship that God calls husbands to is not about superiority or authority, but it's a position given that requires great responsibility to model "power under" servant leadership. It's about taking the lead in demonstrating a sacrificial laying down of one's life for their wife and walking in humility, gentleness, compassion, honor, and love.
JESUS MODELED A POWER UNDER MODEL
We see many examples throughout the Bible where wicked and evil men (and sometimes women such as Jezebel) were selfish, entitled, prideful, domineering, violent, and harsh. They modeled a "power over" authority. One Biblical example is King Saul and how he treated David. However, Jesus so beautifully modeled something entirely different.... power under servant leadership.
In Mark 10:42-45, Jesus responds to a request James and John make to sit on his right and left in Heaven by saying this...“You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles LORD IT OVER THEM, and their high officials exercise authority OVER them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your SERVANT, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to SERVE, and to GIVE his life as a ransom for many.”
John 13:12-17, "So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."
Philippians 2: 5-8, "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross."
Submission, in the right context, is absolutely beautiful. However, when it comes to domestic abuse there is no amount of submitting more, praying more, giving sex more, staying quiet more, serving more, cleaning the house more, or cooking his favorite meals more that result in change.
The problem with telling a wife/partner she just needs to submit more is that the focus is entirely on her behavior as the source of the problem. This isn't her problem that she has the capacity to fix, change, or stop. I know wives who have committed themselves to being the most submissive wife they could be and still the abuse continued.
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